A Short Bio_My Royalty My Loyalty

I loved Godfather series and Scarface when I was 15 but a year later, I discovered music; rock and roll (without sex and drugs ‘yet’)

The first album I stumbled across was “An American Prayer” I could not move. I could not even breathe. The words were too beautiful, not in ‘thou art my rose’ sense but brutally and harshly. I was mesmerized by Jim Morisson’s voice but more, by the sounds that Robbie, Ray and John were making. Their music opened me. This was my first love. Later, I learnt that this album was produced after Jim’s death. Also learnt that Jim Morrison wasn’t a chubby chap with beard. He was young, smart, all-knowing, bored, lonely, rebellious and beautiful. Young man in North America in the 60s. Soon, I purchased all albums of the Doors and listened, listened and listened. None of my friends were into the music I was into at that time which only made it more special. I was truly ‘in a relationship with’ the four amazingly gifted men.

Since then, I uncovered many other truly brilliant musicians. In this handsome world of music, there were B.B. King, Bob Dylan, Joan Baez, Tim Buckley & his drowned son, Pink Floyd, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Tom Waits, Lou Reed & John Cale, Nick Cave, Talking Heads, Neil Young, Frank Zappa, The Cure, Led Zeppelin, The Kinks, The Clash, Deep Purple, Black Sabbath, The Grateful Dead, Jefferson Airplane, Janis Joplin, Sonic Youth, The Smiths, Prince, David Bowie, and even the Waterboys! The list goes on and then there is 2 Pac on the other side and god only knows what Russia and Lebanon can offer! This was the growing up for me. At least half of my days I was thinking of either Bobbie in his walking boots or David in his make-up. Though still, I never ‘left’ Jim, Robbie, Ray and John. They were always with me. They were my secret kings and princes. I had to be loyal to them.

They say your tastes will change as you get older. It is true. I did, once upon a time, have A.J (Backstreet…….eh..)’s photo on my desk. On the other hand, I still have a copy of lyrics ‘Riders on the Storm’ in Jim’s handwriting on my desk. I look at it and think about my ‘loyalty’ What is it? I am not going to get compensated for loving the Doors all my life. Yet, I feel good knowing this about me. I guess it is belief. Believing in my taste and my self. Having something you like/love for all along, you won’t feel old just because you start having some white hair. You leave the framework of ‘youth’ and look at other youngsters. The feeling of pang at seeing new people placed at your previous places. The feeling of deep resentment that life is too short. You start noticing that you often have watery eyes and sudden flashbacks of your first day at school. Well, but you still listen to the same music and it energises you. You are impressed by the music the way you were twenty something years ago. You have the same emotions. You are aware of the time passed but your heart still beats.

Perhaps this is one of the reason why people practise religion. Even, love; having someone next to you at all times. Somethings got to stay and these things become your belief. You are practising it by being loyal to them. Sometimes I worry about the children born in the 21st century. Everything changes too quickly nowadays. You may dance to one music today and tomorrow you won’t even remember and worse, you wouldn’t like it anymore. I hope not. I hope there will always be somethings for each of us to love forever. Forever as long as we can.

يقبرني

As time well passes before our eyes and feet, my husband so often says things like “I would like to be buried in Korea, do not send me away.” or “We gotta be buried together in one spot, so come next to me when it’s also your time.” It bothers me for I am well aware of the age difference between us. Of course as life kindly teaches us, it is not according to how old you are, but the chance is and especially when you love someone so much, I might have to be aware of the fact that I might see him with his eyes closed when mine eyes still wide open. Ya’aburnee.

I came across this phrase by chance. It reminded me of where my husband is actually from. A boundary between Europe, Africa and the Middle East. Or rather, a mixture of the three. We speak mostly in English to one another and have spent the largest amount of time together in Europe, so, sometimes I forget where he is from. (and where I am from too!) Since I was young, I was always attracted to Arabic cultures for some reason. (without any reason really) Now I sigh and say “After all, choices are made by selves.” I remember seeing Aladdin for the first time in my teen and promising myself I will be with someone like Aladdin; dark-skinned, smart, fun, romantic, kind, courageous and loves a monkey!

So here I am, in a relationship near to 10 years with ‘my Aladdin.’ There are times when I become a witch woman to prove my points to him and end up raising my voice just like any other couple, but I am happy in the end that I have found someone I can truly say that I want to spend the rest of my life with but also that I want to be buried with.

Ya’aburnee Habibi. I won’t be bothered with thoughts that give only sadness and never answers. I might die first. You might die first. That is up to the Mystery. The important thing is that right now I am holding your hands (most of time we do, of course not right now, unfortunately) and you holding mine. We live in harmony if harmony is the balance of life energies. We have finally accepted it. As long as we are together, it won’t matter who ‘goes’ first. In fact, I don’t hope I do first. That would be as much sad as you going first.

Habibi stay with me and I will stay with you, in this world and beyond.